As shorthand, though, we refer to those personality types as A, B, C, and D, respectively. Unfortunately, that confidence can come off as commanding. 1. Optimistic, well-liked, hard-working, light-hearted personalities are the easiest to manage , work and get along with. Men fare far better with an aggressive and direct personality than women. Know what words to avoid. If you’ve had feedback that indicates that others perceive your communication style as too direct, brusque, abrupt, rigid, or blunt, here are some ways to pause and reconsider your reactions when you are communicating with others: Slow down: Take some deep breaths, all the way down into your belly. This type of abrasiveness may indicate a bigger personality disorder. In many cases, that's a fairly compelling personality trait. "If others look uncomfortable, uneasy or end the communication quickly, there's your sign," Lewis says. Each person is a unique combination of four personality types. Second, most of us have a dominant personality type, with one or two secondary types. All rights reserved. I have noticed changes in my own workplace with my employees from exercising those two over the past couple years. We’re far too complicated to fit neatly into broad categories. I've been told it sounds too cold, too direct, too militaristic, too rude, too condescending, etc. I have to do too much guesswork. Put yourself in their shoes: A little bit of empathy can go a long way in avoiding being too blunt. I find that i often have conversations where I get caught up in the moment and can have reactions that turn people off. You like solving problems, so if and … The answer lies in your personality style, a predictable set of behaviors that defines how others see you as you go about doing what you do. Where you're from and how you learned to deal with people is one way … Where you're from and how you learned to deal with people is one way to determine whether a person may be seen as abrasive. We use words like Dominant, Direct, Demanding, Decisive, Determined and Doer to describe this personality style. They tend to have high self-confidence, and are risk takers and problem solvers, which enables others to look to them for decisions and direction. William, soften your tone and change those questions from starting with “why” (which can seem accusatory) to starting with “what”: “What is working well about what we’re doing?” or “What could we do differently”?. Megan, best wishes and great courage to you on working on your self improvement efforts. There's nothing wrong with that. Being a direct, straightforward person has a lot of perks. My top personal values include respect for others, kindness, compassion, collaboration and gratitude. They're Very Direct And Sometimes Too Honest, They Have A Way Of Making People Feel Uncomfortable. When it comes to interacting with other people, sometimes the abrasive personality will talk over them or make a joke about the other person. Openness is shorthand for \"openness to experience.\" People who are high in openness enjoy adventure. Personality disorders. I ask things like “Why do we do it this way? This is some great advice for dealing with people in general. "Abrasive is a relative term," life and wellness coach, Melissa Lewis, tells Bustle. That conversation can unlock "insight about their deep interpersonal struggles," she says. It does nobody any good when you have employees shut down or not expresses their ideas because they feel like you don’t listen to them. These Type A, B, C, and D personality descriptions are classic descriptions designed to provide you with some background information about a particular personality. Meng, yes, it would be a good (but difficult) conversation to have with your boss. But that's not a typical case. It helps me learn from what he does to know what not to do, because I know being in my shoes that I do shut down when he doesn’t want to listen and tells me to do it his way or the highway. I am a former executive in a Fortune 100 company. They're curious and appreciate art, imagination and new things. My grandfather used to say that God gave you two ears and one mouth so that you would listen twice as much as you talk. Adjectives used to describe a person's character and personality traits. Taking those extra few seconds could save large amounts of time in the future repairing relationships and trust. These people tend to be risk-takers and … Fortunately I was also highly regarded so it was a learning opportunity rather than a career limiting move. It's just about being more mindful of how they act so others can feel more comfortable and at ease being around them. They don’t mind conflict, because they would rather face things head on tha… "Some people are abrasive because they find that it gets them what they want and they don't care what other people think or feel." That's why Dr. Lipson says digging into the true reason behind why someone is abrasive is important. I am married with two wonderful daughters and two spoiled pugs. Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Mary Jo, I read this and thought, well this doesn’t apply to me but I think that is the point. They will go out of their way not to upset people. I tend to be one of those who talks fast and I focus on fact over form pretty much all of the time. "When we think of abrasive personalities we usually think of people who are harsh or aggressive or confrontational," Dr. Lipson says. He is direct in talking, without knowing sometimes he has already hurt my feelings; Also, he insists that I should say something even when I don’t know what to say. You also have to know your audience. Some direct people are very healthy. The factors are openness, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability. Conversations with abrasive personalities can feel very one-sided. This is a very different syndrome than obsessive compulsive disorder, in which individuals engage in repetitive thoughts and behaviors to … To be perfectly clear, there's nothing wrong with being opinionated. If someone feels like they're coming off as abrasive, Lewis says it's important for them to "be more self aware of their communication style." If you have no interests, which a common problem for many people, then it's probable that you are trying to find what you are into but haven't really felt a click with anything yet. The reality is, you can't really change or control how people react to you. Often times, Dr. Lipson says they don't want to appear vulnerable to others, so they overcompensate by saying things in a confident way. Try not to be too direct with this type of personality. Being outspoken, opinionated, and honest aren't bad qualities. Brett, thanks for underscoring the importance of good listening. Do you observe fear or engagement? For background, my friend (24F), and I (23F) have been friends for about five years and have been living together with another roommate (24F) for about a year. I've had people tell me I insulted them when really I did not mean in the slightest to offend them. I know very direct and to the point people who have softened their communications style over the years. It's unintentionally saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or making a joke to cheer someone up that doesn't go over correctly. Since I am from an area where “Midwest Nice” is prevalent (this is a very indirect style, sometimes deceptively so), I know this to be true from executives I’ve worked with who ran into trouble with their overly-direct communication style that was acceptable in another part of the world. Actually I always have difficulties in the communication with my boss and I am always struggling about how to communicate with him. Margie, you’ve definitely provided a great reminder of how different geographic areas accept or reject certain styles. But your advice about slowing down and listening is excellent. In the last couple of reviews that I have had, my managers have told me that I ask questions of people in an “aggressive” manner. We all appreciate a leader who is honest and direct in the way they speak. I come from a place where asking a question has been shortened to a statement and the inflection dropped. So probably I should talk to him about this issue, right? Bryce, you caught me! That’s just a dull anecdote that most people are probably not very interested in, but I guess my point is that cultural differences can extend beyond what is considered “direct” or “abrupt” and can go all the way to grammer and inflection, even with native speakers of the same language. The biggest difference I can see in my approach between now and then comes down to this – compassion and caring. Taking the time to stop and comprehend something before you respond is a smart thing to do in any situation. Many times, I find myself wondering to who’s perception is this “agressiveness” is coming out of, as I don’t personally think that I ask questions bluntly. Since some people don't know their actions come off as abrasive, Dr. Lipson says it's common for them to deny or turn it around on the people who call them out. An individual with a self-effacing or dependent style does not like “to make waves” or “rock the boat too much” on the interpersonal voyage of life. In fact they may even be proud of the fact that they are direct and think others should be too. This blog is for leaders and those who help them to be more intentional about relationships at work. However, as I develop myself I have been told by others that the way I communicate via e-mail or even in person sometimes is “cold” or impersonal and I feel this has a lot to do with me just trying to get a job done rather than fully appreciating what the interaction may look like from the other person’s perspective. Personality type is a huge predictor of both success and failure. If we’re truly listening, we aren’t doing that. Abrasive personalities can come off as pushy and impatient even without intending to. And as Ray pointed out, make sure you are actively listening to our employees, not just giving them 50% of our attention and going on with assuming we know what they are thinking. Observe yourself: With practice, you can learn to pay attention to your reactions in the moment and still be present with the person you are speaking to. In a number of research studies, across a wide variety of job types, conscientiousness has been the best of the Big Five at consistently predicting job performance. I guess that might be a learned behavior from a society/culture that does not accept aggressive and direct communication from women. An emotional hot button in the leader may be hit, and their tone of voice may escalate and become more insistent. Personality, a characteristic way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.Personality embraces moods, attitudes, and opinions and is most clearly expressed in interactions with other people. Also, just to reiterate, you don’t have to change your personality. For instance, the honest to a fault individual might unintentionally come off as abrasive to those who don't really know them. They tend to have high self-confidence, and are risk takers and problem solvers, which enables others to look to them for decisions and direction. When you feel those triggers coming on, you know its time to slow down and breathe. "Family is a major one," she says. An overly direct leader can be abrupt. Being honest is a good thing. I think another thing we do that is detrimental is interpret what we “think” people are saying to us. I have owned and operated an executive coaching firm since 2003 called Aspire Collaborative Services LLC. I think one of the worst mistakes we make is responding to what we think people are saying (or are going to say) instead of really actively listening, so that our responses are timely and relevant. The D Personality Style tends to be direct and decisive, sometimes described as dominant. Some personality disorders are marked by a gregariousness that can make someone share a bit too much too soon. However, recognizing that there is something that may need to be fixed is the first step in realizing how this behavior may be affecting others. ... or in relationships have been the direct fault of others. My manager is one who generally is good at what he does, but listening and over directing are his two weakest points. While therapy isn't entirely necessary, talking it over with a close friend or loved one can be useful. Doing personality tests and reading up on personality types will help you form a vocabulary of words that describe who you are. Style is sometimes geographicallyand/or culturally influenced. It takes time, energy and effort to have manners and patience." I have included your post in my Rainmaker ‘Fab Five’ blog picks of the week (found here: http://www.maximizepossibility.com/employee_retention/2011/02/the-r.html) to share your suggestions for “dialing it back” with my readers. With that, I’m no perfect person either, although I feel more aware of how I talk to others. Thanks for the great post! It goes with your point on listening. But keep in mind that too much strong direction will provoke resistance and defensiveness when people feel they are being inappropriately ordered around. As Buddha once said, “A finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself. Changing personality is usually consid… Honest and Direct – Integrity is the heart of the Logistician personality type. “In early childhood trauma, people may conceptualize at a young age that you have two choices in life: to either be a victim or a perpetrator,” Dr. Lipson says. The “D” Personality Type Direct, Decisive, Driven . They may appear to have an attitude of “its my way or the high-way”. It's always good to take a moment to check out of the conversation. Somewhat of a bombshell was dropped on me yesterday. Identifying the paranoid personality in relationships. Abrasive individuals can be very intelligent and analytical. It only becomes toxic if the person is narcissistic, passive-aggressive, aggressive or paranoid. Is there anything that I can do to lighten the impact of these questions, and still get the answers I seek? Too direct is more direct than I am. 1 … They would prefer to lead than follow, and tend towards leadership and management positions. SUBSCRIBE NOW $1 for 3 months. However, Lewis says abrasive personalities can make an attempt to become more self-aware of their communication styles. Yes, the advice I gave is good for a lot of communication situations. I think it’s all about a balance. Observe them: Pay attention to the reactions others have when you are communicating with them. Ground yourself in the present moment. "One's upbringing and home is where a person learns behavior patterns if it hasn't changed in other social settings like school, work or a relationship.". They seem to constantly be relaxed and desire a peaceful environment over anything else. Dr. Lipson says abrasiveness may stem from low self-esteem in some cases. Not direct enough is less direct than I am. Coaching Skills for Breakthrough Performance, Transforming your leadership takes more than intention, http://www.maximizepossibility.com/employee_retention/2011/02/the-r.html, Five daily opportunities to deepen work relationships, How you can encourage creativity in your team, The joy of letting go of your stories about others, The day your life and leadership change for the better. Sure, you have lots to do and think about, but this moment is all you have. Good luck. Although many people will let it slide, there has to be at least one person in the individual's life who won't be afraid to call them out in a loving way. If an issue is not raised directly, you assume it doesn’t exist. It led to a lot of the sorts of accusations listed above and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why as I was diligently practicing all of the advice listed in this post. Thanks for that! Stop and listen: Stop talking and listen to the individual you are speaking to. They are usually very nice and pleasant but their feelings get hurt too easily. So it's the person with the abrasive personality's job to work on seeing people as doing the best they can. Ellie, great example of how cultural differences shape our tone, and the kind of problems they can cause when a leader is heading up a different culture. So I think there is something for me to learn as well. As a former New Yorker, now living in Sacramento, CA, it has become apparent that sometimes I don’t “dance” enough and am not “demure” enough for some local individuals. Highly aggressive, short tempered, inflexible and over conscious of time are some prominent traits of a type A personality and a person has to encounter such ill behavior while mingling with them. It includes behavioral characteristics, both inherent and acquired, that distinguish one person from another and that can be observed in people’s relations to the environment and to the social group. Where I grew up, it would be understood as a question and treated accordingly, but where I live now, it is interpreted as an instruction or, worse, as a statement of inflexible belief on my part that cannot be challenged. Yes, I agree. Consider their goals, background, experiences, needs, and … 2021 Bustle Digital Group. However, do you know that you can cross the line into what I call being “overly direct”? Advice I still don’t follow as much as I would like. Why are things set up in that fashion?” It seems that some people on the receiving end of those questions might get a little offended because of their comfortability with the system. I've had people tell me they thought I was overstepping my bounds by … Asking a friend to help keep them in check can also be useful. Having this type of personality means that you do not need attention. characteristics of an abrasive personality. Emotional manipulation, mind games and reassuring lies all run counter to Logisticians’ preference for managing the reality of the situations they encounter with plain and simple honesty. By being mastering the skills of direct persuasion. In some cases, abrasiveness may be a form of manipulation. They may be rushed, and may not be fully present in the conversation. The most calm, flat-type personality. This article gave me insight into the cultural gap and my part in some of these communication situations. Typically when we think of abrasive personalities we are talking about aggressive people who seem to have no filter on either what they say or how they say it. In many cases, people want more information than they’re asking for, because they want a better idea of “the big picture”. So, for example, I might want to ascertain that the person I am talking to likes jazz and would say “you like jazz” with an almost completely flat tone. I really enjoyed this post because I know I can be overly direct; which I contribute to being the oldest of 5 children, because I always felt the need to be efficient in my communication to be organized and get everything done. The “Big Five” factors of personality are broad dimensions used to describe human personality. This means the individual will devote too much of their personal time to them. They may appear to have an attitude of “its my way or the high-way”. Keep in mind that the majority of the north american population tends to be overly passive (from the research I conduct in my training classes, approximately 60% of people skew more passive). They will pay off! "Abrasive people are not necessarily mean or 'bad,'" she says. I was just out of college so I was low on the totem pole. Sometimes when people feel insecure, they'll try to bring themselves up in a way that makes them seem more confident and more self-assured. The line is thin between being direct and crossing into being overly direct. I am kind of the opposite of this type of leader. We see overly direct talks every day in our life. They decide quickly – almost effortlessly. In other places, being too direct or too honest, may be completely off-putting. "Sometimes, abrasive people are just using communication to get a task accomplished in a direct manner. Chris, thanks for your comments and the recognition! 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